During the filming of this episode of Criminal Intent he suffered from some severe depression so much so that he thought he had been forgotten, maybe people working on the series didn't know who he was. I found entries in a blog, which, I'm now entirely satisfied, are Charlie's words, after looking at the evidence, because of the timeline. They do not belong to anyone else.
The 1st entry I could find was made on 29th Dec 03, he writes, "Does anybody know who I am anymore". For a person to write these words indicate that they are already depressed. Someone replied.
The next day (30th Dec 03) he writes "I was also in Dances with Wolves & It's Pat" . On 8th January 2004 " I like this song". (a song reached no 6 in the 1955 charts (he was aged 6 in 1955. I think when Charlie was a child he found comfort in music for a few moments so he could forget the bad things happening to him )
The episode Law & Order: Criminal Intent "Pas de Deux" he guest starred in was 1st aired on Sunday 15th February 2004. It is likely that it was only filmed within the last couple of months or so before it was aired which makes it around December 03). (unable to confirm when exactly Charlie was filmed though)
It is no coincidence that by Friday 20th February 2004, the same week Law & Order was aired, Charlie writes
" Me too. I usually look to your blog for my emotional needs. Recently, though, I've been getting my emotional hugs from a bottle of Cognac. If my career dies because of my temper issues, trust me, you'll be the first to know".
His last entry is truly shocking. He sounded very, very depressed. He must've seen himself in this episode. Maybe he didn't like how he acted? Perhaps he thought he should've done better? Perhaps there was something else which made him angry…..?
Perhaps people had not been that nice to him on the set.
Also I have received confirmation that none of the email addresses exist.
I observe that he aged quiet considerably between doing the King of Queens episode (aired 2003) & Law & Order (aired 2004). Even though it is unlikely to have been much more than 12 months between the 2. One could argue that it was stage make-up but that's highly unlikely because you can see how much he's aged in his eyes – they also show how tired he really is – it shows he wasn't at all well. He also put on weight between doing these 2 acting jobs.
By this time he had already lived in Canterbury for I guess 12 months or so & had only been in Law & Order in that time.
The work stopped coming.
Back in Canterbury things got too quiet. When it got too quiet he would sometimes hear voices in his head. Perhaps they were childhood memories coming back to haunt him, perhaps he heard his parents voices saying that he was a nothing, a nobody. Who knows what was in his mind. Outwardly, he would appear to be OK. This behaviour was inbuilt from his childhood to be as normal as possible on the outside.
He had always been taught to think of others & so his behaviour would appear generally normal. No one knew what it was really like for him. What he was really feeling inside.
The clock was slowly ticking.
He must've felt very lonely. Even when he wasn't alone he may have felt lonely.
I don't know what work he did but money was tight & it was getting tighter. In his mind he may have felt like a failure. I don't know how he managed to support himself financially since he last worked in Law & Order.
Between doing Law & Order (2004) & the documentary "Still Dumb after all these years" filmed in 2005, I observe that he lost some weight around his face – you can tell from the documentary film & therefore he would've lost weight from his body even though you can't see it. He also lost some of his hair. – a sign perhaps that something was wrong. Too quick for it to be just normal hair loss because of his age. (He had it cut short to hide his thinning hair.)
But he looked OK in the documentary & was talking OK & making reasonable eye contact. He talked with Karen Duffy about a deleted scene called "The Box ". He talked in the documentary about Jeff & Jim milking a scene for all the jokes they could get out of it. He talked about Jeff Daniels knowing it was going to be a good comedy. It seemed as if he had managed to get himself out of his depression a bit ( his face shows he lost weight) & he seemed well enough.
Maybe he could do something to kick-start his career again. He was 55.
So maybe things did begin to look up for him a bit.
Around the 16 / 17 August 2005 he went to the Newport Arts Festival to start some sort of work on a project.
Whilst he was there Charlie did a video with Chris Guest for something else. He had already met some fans. At least 2 of these fans admired him for his work & he was friendly & gracious to them. They were also involved ( not exactly sure how) in this video – they had signed waivers.
There was also another co-star of Guest's
This co-star also did a bit with Charlie but he made the mistake of making a nasty comment about Charlie having got fired from snl.
After all these years Charlie still couldn't get away from this. Even after 25 years he would always be remembered for this one lousy mistake. Even though he was never actually the 1st person to say the "F" word on live TV.
It was a mistake. It wasn't deliberate.
A long standing friend of Charlie's had visited the snl set back then on a previous episode & later Charlie had promised him that he had been ad-libbing & it just came out & that he was really sorry afterwards.
That comment started to bring it all back for Charlie.
Basically words can hurt.
Even though this person apologised to Charlie afterwards, Charlie was hurt deep inside himself. He covered his feelings with a joking comeback. But the damage was already done. But the other co-star would not have known & would never have guessed how hurt Charlie was.
This was the catalyst that set Charlie off.
Here he was trying to get back on his feet & restart some kind of career for himself & all he could hear was " you got fired from snl…." rubbish. After 30 years in the TV industry Charlie would've felt like is this all his life had amounted to?
His mind was already very fragile.
Already he wasn't sure if this project he was going to work on was actually going to work. He was taking a very big personal & emotional risk. Outwardly, he would still appear fine but inside was another matter entirely. Some dates were set for a couple of things that he was going to do.
But the guilty feelings he'd had. The memory of what happened on snl 25 years ago came rushing back to haunt him. He couldn't stop those feelings. The guilt, the pain, the anguish. All his other memories that he had locked up inside for far too long also came back to haunt him.
He tried really hard to go about his life as normal as possible. For a few more weeks he carried on as if nothing was wrong & everything was fine.
On 24th Aug 05, a week after the Newport Arts Festival, Charlie had his 56th birthday.
During that time he was at home in Canterbury, Connecticut. This place was quiet, sometimes too quiet. Sometimes he would remember his awful childhood. Hear voices in his head. I don't know when he stopped playing music but I gather he perhaps hadn't played for a while. Sometimes he may have felt like "What's the point of it all"
He sold his car around 7th September 05. This was Charlie's most prized possession. A man only sells his prized possessions if he was desperately, desperately short of cash or if he was planning something else. Perhaps he needed the money to start on his project but that's doubtful. This was 3 weeks after being at the Newport Arts Festival.
He was still being involved in a couple of things.
The last day of his life Charlie went to Providence, Rhode Island where he recorded a voice over for a commercial. Or something similar. He was due to meet a friend who had a TV production company in the afternoon.
Together they were going to produce a pilot based on Charlie's "Rocket Reports" from his snl days that they hoped to sell to a cable network in the US. Remember the Rocket Reports were Charlie's own idea when he was in snl . This project had already been started in August at the Newport Arts Festival only 7 weeks before, which was the original reason why he had gone there.
He phoned his friend & told him he was going to Roger Williams Park. His friend remembered that people commit suicide a lot in this park. There's even a health centre nearby specifically for people with mental & suicidal problems. Also every year in October there's an annual community walk to support suicide prevention held at various places – Roger Williams Park in Providence, Rhode Island is one of them. ( also happens in Connecticut – again at various locations)
Charlie may have known about these events but as I've said earlier he was too afraid & ashamed to come forward with what had happened to him. Remember for a very long time he had blamed himself for the abuse. As well as blaming himself for what he thought were his failings in his life. – even though he had done may different things.
Charlie went to the park. He walked for a bit then he sat down. He may have tried to read a newspaper but he didn't see the words. He couldn't concentrate on them.
People would've been around him but he didn't really notice. He thought about the voice-over he'd just done. Perhaps it hadn't gone so well.
He saw some children playing in the park – he started to think about his own unhappy childhood & in doing so thought about his parents who had done stuff to him when he was a child ( maybe even happening verbally into adulthood?).
He thought about snl – tomorrow he was due to go & film some documentary about snl. He thought did he really want to do it. He didn't want to do it. He didn't want to go through that again – the jokes, peoples' comments about him saying the "f" word. All that stuff. There might've been a bit of a chill in the air.
He sat there by himself with no-one to talk to & thought real hard about his life.
Some places have certain energies. Roger Williams Park wasn't really a place to be in, to sit and contemplate your life because of all the suicides that have happened there.
Was the weather dull….maybe.
Later he met his friend. His friend said Charlie looked tired but was in decent spirits.
Perhaps Charlie had finally decided on something. Perhaps he'd worked out a final solution to a painful problem.
Maybe his spirits had lifted slightly because of his decision, who knows.
I don't know what he discussed with his friend or if any plans were made.
Charlie went home. As usual he acted as normal as possible. Had dinner with Beth. Perhaps he told her about his day…
Later he went for a walk. There was a chill in the air. Maybe he slipped on a jacket or coat.
He walked outside. Gathered his thoughts. He walked around for a while. It was dark. He waited awhile. Again he thought about his life. His childhood, his parents, snl. The pain, the guilt, his anger & rage at his parents. He thought that because his own parents hadn't loved him, he was unworthy of being loved..…… His anger at snl…… Tomorrow …….It got too much……….He just couldn't take it anymore…………
He knelt on the ground. He had tears in his eyes & his cheeks were wet.
He had something in his pocket. He took it out, held it in his hands. He just wanted the pain & anger to stop. Because there was no-one he could turn to for help in that split -second or turn his anger to - like his parents, he turned the anger onto himself. He put the sharp object to his throat.
The physical pain drowned out the emotional & mental pain & anger he was feeling inside.
His hands were warm as he felt his life - blood flowing out of his body………………
I believe Beth found him the next morning whilst with their dog…………..
In conclusion:
Moving to Canterbury, which was a very quiet place, not getting enough work for the last 2 years or so of his life (evidence based on imdb info) , things getting too quiet. Losing contact with people. Somehow being reminded of the abuse he suffered as a child.
Charlie had already suffered from some form of depression during his life – on & off. ( I think he may have had some while filming Bleach in 2002 but kept it at bay by doing loads of research on religion to keep his mind occupied – he played a minister )
Evidence of at least one period of very serious depression happening 21 months or so before his death when he had already lived in Canterbury for several months ( perhaps a year) . At that point, in his mind, he already saw his career failing. ( I have no idea how long this depression lasted – but its most certainly a few months based on blog entries & then it would've lasted much longer – started much earlier than 1st entry – to get to that stage, as well as continued after last entry – he may not have completely recovered from this )
Then being reminded of his one mistake whilst he was trying to get himself together really started Charlie on the path to suicide.
He started to think about all the other bad things that had happened in his life & things just got very bad for him in his mind. His feelings just spiralled out of control.
When it came to the day before he was due to film the SNL documentary he just couldn't take it anymore. He had never recovered from the remark that was made in August 05. Sitting in the park by himself, thinking about his life was most definitely a turning point. I feel this was the point where he had almost decided what he was going to do but maybe not yet on the method.
He committed suicide a few hours before he was due to go & film the Saturday Night Live documentary.
He hid his depression & pain, anguish & guilt & rage (against his parents for what they'd done to him) & eventually he turned the rage onto himself & that's why he killed himself in the way he did.
(Without having further info / evidence on what kind of knife he used,( size, type) where it would normally be kept etc I can't be sure whether he had planned to use this method or another method. I figure he just had it in his pocket for another task & took it out because it was just there. Perhaps when he was out walking he felt the knife when his hand was in his pocket & that was the final straw as he was already distressed & in total desperation)
Yasmin
5th January 2007
This observation of events also support some of Freud's theories on child abuse, untreated depression / mental health. Leading to severe trauma - if not treated this invariably leads to suicide. This can happen at any age. Suicide is classed as a chronic debilitating disease.
PS: Since writing this further evidences have come to light which only lead to my conclusion being more accurate than I thought. eg – couldn't maintain stability, couldn't support himself financially. Also the fact that he used 2 box cutters (which i didn't know at time of writing) just goes to show how desperate Charlie was. & yes some still fit into a pocket.(so i've not rewritten it)
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- Hannah im not sure how you could think know so much about charlie3 years ago
he lives in CT he was not in RI the day he died..you did not know him personally and i find it strange how you could assume you know everything about him because its clear no one really did or his death might no have occured..i would appreciate if you would stop making assumptions cause if certain members of his family found this they would find really upsetting - yasmin anjum I must point out to the reader that the people who worked on Law & Order Criminal Intent : Pas de Deux are in no way responsible for any of Charlie Rocket's depression in 2003 / 2004. I may have accidently implied this.4 years ago
The dates that Charlie filmed Criminal Intent was from 22 Dec 03 & 14 Jan 04. An Executive Producer of the show was kind enough to give me these dates awhile back.
The explanation is way too long but in a nutshell Charlie Rocket was already in a depressed state when he started filming Law & Order because he had been out of work for several months & was doing hard manual labour fixing his house. For the 1st few days he was still in a depressed state trying to get back into the acting routine but after 30 Dec 03 ( his blog entries were dated 29 & 30 Dec 03 ), my guess is he started to become well both physically & mentally as he worked in the latter 2 wks or so of the job. I have now seen this episode & am entirely satisfied ( after taking things into a/c ) that Charlie was going through a personal / private change in himself whilst filming this episode totally unrelated to the character he was portraying. If you see the episode more than once & concentrate on his face, eyes, hair & hands you will see what I mean. ( continuity is weird.....)
& another thing his finger injury is most certainly real & is not part of the storyline at all.......
He became depressed again the same wk it was 1st aired on US tv. Maybe he had seen himself & in his mind he didnt like how he had acted. It could just be a coincidence & something else may have set him off to write his blog entry on 20 Feb 04.
Hope this is clear to everyone.
yasmin
... Show more - ♥Gladden Girl 4♥ This is truly a very insightful look into a man's soul. I commend you.5 years ago
And yes, box cutters do fit into pockets. Small, not much longer than one's hand - with a retractable razor blade. It would be a vicious instrument to use on oneself. Very brutal and very painful.
How very, very sad to think one's loneliness, imagined blame and guilt, and the pain caused by others would drive a man to do such a thing. And it's tragic to think that he couldn't see that the love of his wife and son could have sustained him and made him whole.
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